[side note: the following poem below is about the angst of peer pressure]
The Crowd
again i said
this proud affiance of refrain
but this was yesterday
the days of walking independent
aside from the crowd
my head held high
when everything was right
but today
i find myself
waltzing along those lines on the ceiling
affirming these feelings
as right
never thinking twice
of who i am hurting
or if it is me
yesterday
i felt the rain
cold against my skin
these brumal tears of sky
that were held back all night
so that the sky can maintain
this dreary shade of grey
throughout the day
but today
i find myself
flowing across these lines on the floor
slowly advancing toward the crowd
faceless yet never solitary
for today
i dont want to stand out
and i dont want to feel
when it rains
that penetrating cold
slide across my face
i wont feel
those tears held back all night
for today
Im one of them
music
a strong grip
on the strings
as she takes hold of the neck
ears open and the world seems endless
and she doesnt care
that her eyes are closed
because her fingers lead her
to play exactly what her heart is telling her
every note
so pure
every sad chord pulling tears so fresh and untainted
falling evenly on the same exact path
every stanza, every line
every word
unspoken
and so loud
at the same time
and its all so plenary.
to her
allegro, andante, cantata, crescendo
do not mean a thing
just terms
unspoken and unknown to her
what she plays
is real
is real
music.
Midnight Remembrance
I'm staring at my wrist
wondering if the time is right
because every now and then
around midnight
the stars dont seem to shine.
tonight
it strikes twelve
but the stars seem fine
this couldnt be right
it just couldnt be.
Now Im laying awake
and Im wondering
wondering if Ill get to sleep
when the sky is ablaze outside
how it was
when things were infallible
when they used to pray for me
those days...
I would never ask
but they prayed for me anyway
and then acted
as if I owed them something
they made me turn away
they turned away
and i blamed it on myself.
now Im staring at my wrist
and I know the time is right
it is 5 past midnight
and the stars have faded away..
there is something daunting
reflecting the light
a sweet nectar of anguish
revealing the minuscule brilliance
from the stars that have faded away
a loss
we fell down
i thought it was together
but i found myself like this
completely abandoned
holding these shackles in my hand
oh yeah
the ones i called my life
they held me tight
suffocating me
squeezing the air straight from my lungs
only for it to twist and curl into one
with the atmosphere
with the space
filling that empty place inside of me
nothing lived inside of me
nothing
like i said, abandoned
oh yeah
i should feel free now
i should grow wings and be tickled pink
no not at all
yes, you seemed fully gratified
in all this you were satisfied
and blamed me
when things were more than they seemed
when there were things you couldnt see
breathing within me
oh yeah
now i am jubilant
yes, i am overjoyed
to see you fully contented in my grief
to see you sighing with relief
that i am empty inside
therefore
in the name of all things simple
oh yeah
all things pure
and in the name of all things gorgeous
i screamed.
untitled
Today i took a walk
and i was by myself
for the first time in a while
and today
it all seemed so different
this sky held stars
the color of lilacs
for the first time ever
and the moon
hung lower than ever before
i closed my eyes
and imagined i was
humming a simple tune to the stars
and they heard
every word i meant to say
but didnt
i walked home in the bitter cold
and threw away
the songs i had written
when i was in my room
because at the moment i felt
they could never compare
to the song i was humming in my head
and in my room
i was another person
watching my eyes glow
from the fire that consumed my songs
When there was nothing left but ashes
and the fire died down
i stepped out into the bitter cold
barefoot and alone
and began to walk with no direction
it wasnt the first time time that day
i looked at the sky and thought
that the moon looked
as if it hung lower than ever before.
a dance upstairs
...in the upstairs room
of that empty apartment
there we were
with no sound but that song...
...every chord that was strummed
led our feet to dance
in perfect synchronation
while every word that was sung
inspired our fingers to intertwine
into a maze, it was amazing
our fake stars surrounding us
in our world
where nothing existed
but the night and our song
and our selves.
in vain
hallowed be thy name
yet i say it in vain
along with every word
that escapes
buries me in a disheveled grave
of degeneracy and filth
yet i sit in my grave
writing songs of angst
how i want to escape
but dont
im writing a poem
a correlation of words
flowing ever so sweetly
from my veins
quietly surrendering
to paper
ode to the winter tree
[note: this poem was written for Eng. class]
in a forest full of evergreens
you stand alone, you've lost your leaves
the other's tops are capped with snow
so pure and white, unlike your own
with dark gray bark, and barren branches
your appearance is like that of ashes
it sorrows me when i look back
when blossoms and leaves you did not lack
with birds perched upon, singing songs that you know
now all that dwells on your branch is a crow
and your last leaf falls like a tear when you cry,
and your long thin fingers reach out to the sky
but, O winter tree, though its cold, dont fall
amidst this forest of strong evergreens, stand tall
because someday, O tree, the winter shall pass
and your blossoms and fruit and leaves will grow back
the birds and squirrels again will play
and you'll grow taller and stronger every day.
The seasons come, and then they pass
and winter will come again, but alas
we all go through winter, so keep this in heart
that spring will soon come, another new start.
cyclone room (III)
swirling, fighting against me
im safe in this quiet place
with the windows closed
as i look at my reflection
of my youthful glow
in the puddle of water that
leaked through the ceiling
i sit and wonder what went wrong
or whats missing
then the clear water is defiled
to a cloudy shade of red
as a drop of blood pours from my lip
into the water
so beautifully
into the water
my youth fades
into the water
i sit. and its over.
[yet another eng. class classic i wrote...dorky, i know]
Unsewn
this restless state in which i ponder
of how i wish that time could last longer
for the green grass days have long flown by
and the day has come where children cry
with a pain in their hearts that they should not feel
and words lingering in their heads
that they should not hear
words escaping their mouths that they should not know
and a fire in their hearts which ceases to glow
like unsewn seeds these children face
a dark gray past that will never erase
this restless state in which holds no slumber
i lay and cannot help to wonder
if this saltiness i now taste in the rain
is really the tears of the childrens pain
"im fog, im mist, i dont exist"
the children utter between sobs
if you've wondered where the flowers have gone
then ask yourself if youve planted them
because green grass days will never come
if the seeds are left unsewn
